It's All Fun and Games... Til Someone Gets Cancer.

(Had an epiphany this morning)
Sitting at my desk, in a hospital, my mind wanders to the what ifs of life. What if this feeling in my stomach that I think is hunger is stomach cancer? Not likely. What would happen to my daughter if I was diagnosed with cancer and didn't survive? How would she end up? Would I have time for one last vacation, maybe a 'one last wish' kinda thing? Not likely, either. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks... I am almost 26. When my hero, my idol, my beloved big sister, Julie, was 26 she was in fact diagnosed with cancer. My nephew must have been about 3 and my neice was 9 or so. It was 2003. She seemed like such a 'grown up' to me back then... but Im almost 26. (Does that mean I'm a grown up?? Like, a real one?) I have never really spoken about my sisters cancer neither public nor private, and I'll explain that to the best of my ability. Heres some background and some previously unveiled thoughts for you...

I was born in March of 1985. I was one of 3, and my sister was 9 years and 2 days older than me, and my brother was almost 2. From very little I idolized everything about my big sister, from her 90210 posters (I heart Luke!) to her clothes/hair/friends EVERYTHING you can imagine. I would have given anything just to be her!! She grew up fast, and before I knew it she was a mother. She was working a lot and we didnt get to see eachother as often. No matter what, whenever we saw eachother we always connected in the best kind of sisterly way. She even took me in when I was having a hard time growing up when I was about 14.

Then, I remember it was Christmas and she had been to the doctor for a growth that appeared on her leg. Not just a little growth, but a growth that was about 1/2 a softball, if I remember right. I remember her telling everyone, "the doctors says its a Bakers cyst and Ill have to get it removed" or something like that. I wasnt worried. I even laughed as she posed for a photo with her "Bakers Cyst". (ha ha, Welcome to my family) Then, after Christmas, and into the new year, its kind of a blur to me. I remember she had to get a biopsy, then we had to wait. Next thing I remember is I was in my room at my dads. My phone rang. I listenened to my 'grown up' sister trying to be brave. "Steen, its cancer." I hit the floor, my hand on my mouth. She told me I was the hardest person to tell. I'm ashamed to say, its like a switch went off in my head. "Cancer means die. She is going to die."

I can't tell you what treatments she endured for sure, or what the process is because I wasn't there. Aunts and Uncles visited her, but I didn't. I kept on thinking, "I need to go see her", but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I bought her a little stuffed cow to bring her in the hospital, but as the weeks went on, the little cow stayed safely in his little "Get Well Soon" gift bag. I went to school. I worked. I did anything and everything I could and 'never had time' to go see my sister. I heard little bits and pieces of what she was going through, but I never listened much. It hurt my heart and soul in ways I could not face at the age of 17 or 18. My sister was in and out of (or maybe just in?) the hospital receiving cancer treatment and I didnt visit. It makes me feel like such a shit of a little sister, but it was the only way I could handle it at the time. I was trying to disconnect myself from her, so that if I lost her it wouldnt be so hard. Thats what I gather anyway.

Here we are in 2010. She is healthy, happy and I see her quite a bit. Once her hair grew back and we hung out a little it became much like old times. I havent said anything about my guilt in not visiting, and I still wont be able to, but Ju, if you're reading this, I am so incredibly sorry I couldnt be there for you during your tough time. I am so happy to still have you in my life! You are still my hero, and truly an inspiration. I love you!

-Steen