Thursday, August 25, 2011

You Made Me Think You Were My Friend

Dear Fried Food, Fast Food, Comfort Food and all your pals:

For all these years I have thought you were my friend. I have turned to you in my time of need, sadness, happiness, celebration, anxiety and each emotion I have within me. All you have done is stab me in the back, plumpin up my ass and every other part of me and yet, I was never able to get you out of my life. Well, this letter is to tell you NO MORE. I will not be swayed with your fried-smelling, mouth watering antics! Your late night comercials are no match for my will-power and self worth. That being said, if I happen to come across you or we see eachother in passing, I will not hesitate to give a little 'hello' and be cordial. Also, Adam may still desire your friendship on occasion, in which case, I will be civil and engage in a short conversation. If we attend the same BBQ I will do my best to avoid you. I am done dealing with you because you make me feel bad about myself and you have no real reason of even being in my life. Get out.

Fed up with flab!

Ok, I admit it, its not really the foods fault. I take responsibility, but at the same time, I place a little on the way I grew up. I grew up in a home with a compulsive feeder. Maybe you know one, the person who makes your favorite carb-filled, gravy-covered, sugar-coated meal whenever you are feeling depressed/sad/happy/celebratory. This person will also offer food to your friends upon sight. This was/is my mom. She doesnt always interact best with people, so she does what she knows will make them happy... she feeds them. I am doing my best to not become that compulsive feeder, and I think I am doing alright. I want my daugther to have a much healthier relationship with food than I do.

I started going to the gym recently and it has helped me in SEVERAL ways. I feel better all day long, I am getting my self esteem back, my skin looks great, and my clothes will all soon fit again. (Fit like they're supposed to and not like I had to use mechanics to get the zupper pulled) My goal is to look healthier by Brooklyns birthday (Mid October) and be much more slender by the next time I visit Montana. I really need to lose at least 40 lbs to be in a healthier range, but if it were up to my doctor, I would lose 55 or 60. Blah! No thanks! Hahaha. I have revamped my eating habits, and I will keep you posted. Anyways, thats all for now.

Tell me somethings you have done to be more healthy/lose weight/exercise.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

"Girls Don't Kiss Girls!" ...Or do they? My Internal Battle With My Preschooler

I would like to first make it clear to you I have no issue with homosexuals. (can I say that? Do I say 'gay'? I dont even know) Who you are attracted to is your own business and I see no reason why a person should not be proud of who they are. (unless you are an axe murderer, child rapist etc) This blog addresses an issue I am having in teaching my daughter the ways of the world. I myself am not gay, though I have kissed a girl or two in my lifetime, (suprise! Who hasnt?) and I went to the gay pride festival as a proud supporter. I do not intend to offend.

So my 4 year old is playing with her dolls. She has all girl dolls, not on purpose, but just simply because thats what she got for her birthday. She really wants to have a wedding with her dolls, but is upset that she doesnt have any boys for Barbie to marry. So I suggest that she pretends that one of the other girls is a boy and she can have a wedding that way. Her response?? After laughing hysterically for a moment she says "Girls dont kiss girls!!" And I must have looked like a deer in the headlights. I had no idea what to say. If I say "you're right, girls dont kiss girls", then I am teaching her that being gay is wrong or bad, if I say "sometimes girls kiss girls and boys kiss boys" this may be the beginning of 100 more harder questions and subjects a 4 year old doesn't quite comprehend.

Here is what I want to know... Whats the best thing to do here?? This is not the first time it has been brought up in our household and trust me, I have avoided it like the plague! I want my daugther to be open to other peoples lifestyles and not judgemental, but I also feel a little strange acting like I am completely comfortable with homosexuality and my child. Its very awkward for me, because I didnt learn about homosexuality until I was in the middle of elementary and my neighbor lady left her husband for a woman. The neighborhood gossiped about it and snickered when they would see 'the lesbians'. Thats pretty much what they became, not by name anymore, just 'the lesbians'. Though I have grown to understand 'to each his own' it still feels like a taboo subject to be teaching my child about. (I feel bad even typing that!!) I dont know where this internal force comes from that makes it seem 'weird' to talk about with Brooklyn, but it definitely is. So much so that I still have not addressed the issue. I smiled and changed the subject, as horrible as that may be.

I heard on the news they were introducing books into some school systems (preschool and up) that show different families. You know the ones, they tell you how some kids live with grandparents etc. and now they are showing it with two mommies or two daddies. And for whatever reason, I was slightly upset about this, then I feel guilty for feeling upset! It seems that I am tolerant of gay people, but an alarm goes off in my head with it comes to my child learning of it. WTH is wrong with me???

I have a friend that is a female happily coupled with a female. My friend has a child. Its none of my business, nor do I care to ask her, but I sometimes wonder if the child notices the uniqueness of her family. Will a gay couple raising a child possibly make that child more tolerant of gay people? I want to know if its something they will formally address, or just leave for the child to draw their own conclusions as they age. How did you address homosexuality with your child?

With how open the world is with being gay nowadays, I can only imagine that the world will be more and more tolerant of homosexuality as Brooklyn grows up. I do not want her to be intolerant of anyone for any reason, especially for something so silly as the gender of ones attraction, but when is an ok time to talk about it? How do I get past the thoughts of my parents that being gay is strange, because I certainly dont think it is. Should I? Help me out here, people.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

In My Hard Work I Trust

I wake up, stand up, put my smile on.
Its 4am, and I am out the door before dawn.
I was off the night before, at 11pm.
Barely got to go to sleep before I went to work again.

Do my makeup across 520, pull in to work right at 5.
Rush to my 5am meeting and try to look alive.
Spend my day doing important things, getting people where they belong.
The clock strikes 3, I finally get to pee, pick up Brooklyn and go home.

One thing after another, not enough hours in a day,
So I sacrifice my housework and decide its time to play.
Dora, Diego, baby dolls and littlest pet shop, too.
"You be Barbie, Ill be the puppy", shes a bossy little poo!

I tuck her in to her big girl bed after dinner and a bath
Start the dishes, clean up dinner, try not to collapse.
Check my facebook, update my status, give a phone call to my honey
Check my bank, pay some bills, pretend that I have money

At this point I have been up for 18 hours straight.
After only 3 hours of sleep, most people dont feel great.
But I am proud and happy and exhausted, I do it because I must.
I do it all, I do it well, and in my hard work I trust.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It's All Fun and Games... Til Someone Gets Cancer.

(Had an epiphany this morning)
Sitting at my desk, in a hospital, my mind wanders to the what ifs of life. What if this feeling in my stomach that I think is hunger is stomach cancer? Not likely. What would happen to my daughter if I was diagnosed with cancer and didn't survive? How would she end up? Would I have time for one last vacation, maybe a 'one last wish' kinda thing? Not likely, either. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks... I am almost 26. When my hero, my idol, my beloved big sister, Julie, was 26 she was in fact diagnosed with cancer. My nephew must have been about 3 and my neice was 9 or so. It was 2003. She seemed like such a 'grown up' to me back then... but Im almost 26. (Does that mean I'm a grown up?? Like, a real one?) I have never really spoken about my sisters cancer neither public nor private, and I'll explain that to the best of my ability. Heres some background and some previously unveiled thoughts for you...

I was born in March of 1985. I was one of 3, and my sister was 9 years and 2 days older than me, and my brother was almost 2. From very little I idolized everything about my big sister, from her 90210 posters (I heart Luke!) to her clothes/hair/friends EVERYTHING you can imagine. I would have given anything just to be her!! She grew up fast, and before I knew it she was a mother. She was working a lot and we didnt get to see eachother as often. No matter what, whenever we saw eachother we always connected in the best kind of sisterly way. She even took me in when I was having a hard time growing up when I was about 14.

Then, I remember it was Christmas and she had been to the doctor for a growth that appeared on her leg. Not just a little growth, but a growth that was about 1/2 a softball, if I remember right. I remember her telling everyone, "the doctors says its a Bakers cyst and Ill have to get it removed" or something like that. I wasnt worried. I even laughed as she posed for a photo with her "Bakers Cyst". (ha ha, Welcome to my family) Then, after Christmas, and into the new year, its kind of a blur to me. I remember she had to get a biopsy, then we had to wait. Next thing I remember is I was in my room at my dads. My phone rang. I listenened to my 'grown up' sister trying to be brave. "Steen, its cancer." I hit the floor, my hand on my mouth. She told me I was the hardest person to tell. I'm ashamed to say, its like a switch went off in my head. "Cancer means die. She is going to die."

I can't tell you what treatments she endured for sure, or what the process is because I wasn't there. Aunts and Uncles visited her, but I didn't. I kept on thinking, "I need to go see her", but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I bought her a little stuffed cow to bring her in the hospital, but as the weeks went on, the little cow stayed safely in his little "Get Well Soon" gift bag. I went to school. I worked. I did anything and everything I could and 'never had time' to go see my sister. I heard little bits and pieces of what she was going through, but I never listened much. It hurt my heart and soul in ways I could not face at the age of 17 or 18. My sister was in and out of (or maybe just in?) the hospital receiving cancer treatment and I didnt visit. It makes me feel like such a shit of a little sister, but it was the only way I could handle it at the time. I was trying to disconnect myself from her, so that if I lost her it wouldnt be so hard. Thats what I gather anyway.

Here we are in 2010. She is healthy, happy and I see her quite a bit. Once her hair grew back and we hung out a little it became much like old times. I havent said anything about my guilt in not visiting, and I still wont be able to, but Ju, if you're reading this, I am so incredibly sorry I couldnt be there for you during your tough time. I am so happy to still have you in my life! You are still my hero, and truly an inspiration. I love you!


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Introduction - WHO? ME?!!

As you may have guessed, I am not ACTUALLY a Superhero. But, I do have a lot to say, so tomato tom-ah-to. Here you will find random knowledge and opinion, some useful - some useless, but all of it's free. I have a lot of opinions, all of which are fact (ha!), and here I will discuss them with myself. From dealing with stress, to dead beat dads, to relationship issues and anything else that comes to my mind. I am also willing to give opinions on topics you choose. See? Now isnt that nice of me?? I will also share of my trials and tribulations big and small, I'll share them all!

Stay tuned for my next posts:
"Miss Independent, and why she's so damn needy!"
"A Day In the Life of a Chocolate Chip Cookie"

About me:
I am 25 years and 7 months old at the moment. I am currently employed at a world renowned hospital in the Seattle area. My daughter turned 4 this week, and I am proudly her sole provider. I have been living in the big girl world since I was nearly 18, but was helping provide for my family long before that. My outlook on life is positive. I love to motivate and inspire. I hope you get something out of my blog and arent just wasting precious life minutes reading it, because lets face it.... that would suck! =) Here are some pictures of me and my daughter over the last year. Have a great day.

I am also on Facebook and Twitter.

Twitter: Quirkymama23